So it feels like forever since I’ve published a blog post but I guess that’s because I’ve been away for a week volunteering in Romania and it’s been super busy! I went as part of a programme called Angloville which, if you didn’t already know, allows you to go abroad to help local children improve their English and in return pays for your accommodation and food. It’s a lot different to traditional teaching as the day is filled with conversational sessions which means you can talk about whatever you like, as well as play games such as dodgeball, table tennis, etc. I had such a great time so I definitely recommend it if you love travelling and want to help people out!
Travelling to Romania is the first time I’ve gone abroad by myself so I was pretty anxious beforehand, but it went a lot better than expected! Once I’d met up with the other volunteers and made friends, it wasn’t so daunting because we could all go around the city together and it was really cool to meet people from all over the world. If you want to see a photo of the cool umbrella street we found, check out my ig here: @mymindspeaksaloud
I’ve only applied to one Angloville programme – you can apply to three if you want to work towards a TEFL teaching certificate, but I wasn’t sure at the time if that’s what I wanted. I think I would do Angloville again, however I’m not sure if the next one could live up to this experience to be honest!
Now that I’m back in England, I still can’t believe how hot it is here. I turned up in Romania ready to wear my shorts and skirts and yet all the rain meant I spent the entire week in jeans! It’s nice to return home and finally be able to wear my summer outfits!
Whilst I was away I wrote this short flash fiction which I thought would be a good way to end this post:
Walking across streets bred from the whispers of unknown worlds, I fall into the cracks of foreign pavements. It’s strange to be known and yet no one to know you at all. It’s strange to be seen and yet your insides reversed, ingrained and found only in somewhere ashore. If not for skin as pale as the moon, I could be one of you. I could be anyone but me and maybe that’s why I like it. If I can pretend for a while perhaps my mind will grow back differently, a new currency of thoughts when I return to familiarity. Foreign streets will grow new seeds inside of me. Will they bloom a new flower or one that has sprouted before?
in a silent room, the laptop whir blurring my ears, it’s hard to know what to focus on. it’s hard to know what to focus on in an empty room when your thoughts feel so jumpy and real but it’s not real at all. you wonder what you can do to dull the subtle ache in your stomach and the feeling that your chest might explode any minute. this lonely gap between living and sleeping. what do you do when your eyes aren’t ready to shut off for tomorrow but you don’t want to be in this day any longer? what do you do.
I wrote this piece a week ago. I was just having one of those moments where my head was confused and nothing really seemed real. Perhaps it’s because I was leaving uni to go home the next day and I was having so many mixed feelings, about looking forward to seeing everyone at home but having to leave my room knowing I won’t be going back to exactly the same place next year (which isn’t a bad thing, but I will miss it).
However, after I wrote this, I spoke to my mum on the phone and it really uplifted me from this moment, even though I didn’t share any of these particular thoughts. It made me realise that even when you’re feeling awful there are ways out of that mindset. Although sometimes you feel like you shouldn’t rely on people to do that, they are there for you for that exact reason.
Don’t be afraid to reach out.
If I adjusted to you
like my eyes adjust to the light
maybe I wouldn’t feel so dark,
maybe I wouldn’t feel like a stranger
scrambling in a void with no
guidance at how to make a star,
with no guidance how to lead you
into my world
and out of one where I
fall into the abyss of emptiness
but a figure of a silhouette
the living dead
darkness playing pretend
You see if
I adjusted to you
I could see you.
If I adjusted to you
maybe you would
see me too.
Sometimes the world goes running round and crawling back to you. It’s as if you’re holding the whole globe on your pinky finger. Sometimes it tilts to the side and you’re sure it’s going to fall. Sometimes it balances so perfectly you squint your eyes to find out where it will go wrong. But sometimes we just need to sit back and appreciate it. It may dare to fall or it may spin in perfect succession but what matters most is that it is there and standing. Just like you. So trust the world to move about a bit. Trust yourself to push the world to its limits because you will always survive it. The world won’t let you fall that easily.
It’s mental health awareness this week and I thought I’d try something a little different by sharing a rap/spoken word with you all. I don’t normally write in this style so it’s hardly perfect but I wanted to share the message most importantly – that even if someone looks okay on the outside it doesn’t mean that they are. I’ll be sharing another blog post sometime this week tackling anxiety more positively and ways in which you can help yourself, but for now, here’s a few words.
I know I look like I’ve got it
and I play by the rules
but most of the time
I’ve stopped caring
so I don’t fall
and I look like I’ve got routine mastered
proper meals no complaints
but I have to push myself to get up
in the morning so I’m not late
if I’m late once then that’s
me out of practice
and I’ll start skipping the world
to be home I wimp out of it
one moment chasing the sun
the next falling behind it
and sometimes I can’t seem to
open my eyes
shake myself out of it
that aches in my core
I face it everyday and I’ve
done it before
so don’t be fooled
don’t be fooled that I’ve
got the hang of it
we’re all hanging from these branches
I just like to keep mine
Today I decided to walk across the park and sit down for a bit to take in the atmosphere (and mostly the sun). It’s quite a weird place to sit because looking ahead I had this vast space of greenery with my river to my right, but if I had looked behind I would have seen a main road, streaming with cars. The mix of silent nature and moving cars was quite a weird one. This was what inspired this poem.
feet pressed against worn down grass
flying in the wind to prove the daisies
they’re worth more.
the sky full of jagged cloud sequins
sewed up happiness to
sewed up jeans
trying to be new again.
this summer is dying to the sounds of
cars running past,
oblivious to the field of green
and the silence of the river
lonely trickling into the
season of the rain.
sometimes i just feel like you never really appreciate anything but expect everything. it’s like you’re a contradictory figure who will laugh one minute and the next not get the joke, telling me i need to get my priorities straight. but what do you know?
you never trust what i say and i know you only want to help but i can do things on my own now. you try to force me into a line that you’ve carved for an ideal self and you know what? i don’t want it. how many times do i have to tell you i don’t want it?
and yet every time you dismiss things i feel bad. i feel guilty. i can’t help it. i just want to know.
because you’re a jumbled mess of opinions and i feel your judging glare harsher than any other eyes. i don’t want to but i do.
i don’t want to
but i really do